Tithing is our most important belief, since it provides my income and keeps all of you tethered to me: Let’s face it, once you give me your money, you have invested with me and you aren’t just about to walk away from your investment.

All tithes are calculated to be from your gross income, before taxes and any other deductions.

All tithes are to be given on any kind of income, including, but not restricted to, wages, Welfare, Unemployment, Social Security, Pensions, Retirement, Medical Reimbursements, selling illegal street drugs and any kind of windfall, like inheritances and Income Tax Refunds.

Let’s get to it then:

First Tithe

This is so very important for spreading the gospel.

It also pays my salary.

It is used to buy gifts when I meet with world leaders because that is spreading the gospel, as I drone on about the Two Trees, driving the world leaders insane with boredom, before I hand them a check for $100,000 for the photo-op the meeting has presented.

It is used for my travel.

It is used to pay for my 5 star hotels in places like Dubai, which you losers will never see because you are dumb schmuck sheep and give away too much of your money to be anything but dregs of society.

Second Tithe

Each year I require all members to keep pseudo Feasts supposedly patterned on the Laws of Moses given in the Old Testament.

To insure compliance, each member must save 10% of their gross income to blow it all at the Feast of Tabernacles.

It is only to be used for that purpose: You can’t buy tires for the car, clothes for the kids or dozens of other necessities of which you and your family are deprived because you need to turn in all the excess after the Feast to go to me to provide for my creature comforts — my special diet isn’t cheap and neither are the visits to my Vet, Dr. Craig!

The Second Tithe is designed to accustom members to deprivation to build pain tolerance and character, only to loosen the belt to eat and drink to excess while learning to fear me.

Third Tithe

In a cycle of seven years, every third year and sixth year, an additional 10% of the gross is to be turned over to The Supreme Cult for the Widows, Fatherless, the Stranger, so they can enjoy the blessings which are not afforded to the average member who lives a life of deprivation.

Since I am Fatherless and few are stranger than me, I get the bulk of the contributions of Third Tithe.

Offerings (Fourth Tithe)

God loves a cheerful giver and so do I.

Offerings are your way of saying, “I really appreciate what you do, Supreme General”.

They are to be given as an indication of a portion of the blessings you have received.

If you haven’t received any blessings, hang in there and give anyway and maybe God will feel guilty for giving you nothing.

Building Fund (Fifth Tithe)

Church Corporate Building

I have a vision as The Supreme General.

There is to be a grand new Church Corporate Campus for The Supreme Cult.

Above is an artist’s rendition.

The statue of the egrets in the fountain are to be replaced by buzzards circling a dead golden calf, picturing what happened when Aaron created the golden calves when Moses wasn’t around.

This isn’t going to be cheap: It will cost $200 million.

Each of you will need to pledge the Fifth Tithe for this grand and grandiose vision.

It is a moral imperative.

Because I said so.