We have weekly Sabbath Services for shutins and couch potatoes who have nothing better to do with their time over the telephone hookup (at our 1 (900) number you pay for up the kazoo (which does not count toward your tithe!) and pay per view online Internet video.

We are currently having technical difficulties, but rest assured that you can be comforted with our psychotic beliefs shortly.

As for ministers providing services, we don’t do that sort of thing: The members minister to the ministers, not the other way around — the ministers do the important work and the members are just there to pray, pay, stay and not delay in a dysfunctional community of decay.