There are seven holydays. Or maybe eight. They are called Feasts, which makes no sense at all when you get to the Day of Atonement and aren’t supposed to eat or drink anything.

Unless you are the End Time Prophet.

Then you can have a donut and a cup of coffee to keep up your strength.

The rest of you — nada.

That’s the benefit of being The Supreme General.

There are also lots of perks for the Supreme Staff.

For one thing, when it comes to the Feast of Tabernacles, you get the best of the accommodations with the first pick and the membership pays for it! They may get a Motel 6 where they just leave the light on for you, as compared with a five star condo like cult leaders use in Las Vegas for a $5,000 weekend stay in abject luxury. The important thing is that you pay twice: Once for yourself (on a budget, according to how you are blessed and what you can eke out of your subsistance level existence) and once (or more times) for your ministers who get full use of the tithe of your tithe and also your extra left over tithe which you can’t spend at the Feast.

A favorite “Feast” for the ministers is Passover, which isn’t really, because that’s really the Lord’s Supper, the night before the Passover, which actually begins the Days of Unleavened Bread and not the Lord’s Supper which is taken the evening of Nisan 13. You can’t really have a Passover without a Passover Sacrifice and the Sacrifice was killed on the afternoon of of the 13th in preparation of the Passover and the First Day of the Days of Unleavened Bread. Everybody in the Cult gets all confused about this because of the Holyday Calendar.

The Holyday Calendar is a tool to keep all the Feasts from happening at once and running into each other. Actually, a lot of the ministers are tools too. Anyway, the Holyday Calendar is a sort of lunar calendar, which means it has to do with New Moons.

There is a lot of disagreement as to when the New Moon actually occurs, which is partly why there are at least 9 different calendars in use for the Holydays. We’re pretty sure the Jewish Calendar created by Hillel II and ratified by the last of the Sanhedrin is wrong because the astronomical calculations were off by 14 to 17 minutes a year. This might not seem like much, but in all the centuries since then, the Jewish Calendar is 17 days off, putting the Spring Equinox on April 6 or April 7, depending upon whether it is leap year or not. This means that in 21,000 years or so, people will be keeping the Feast of Tabernacles during Christmas Week, which will make it so much more convenient, since Boeing Employees get this time off and school is out. The snow in most places is so pretty too. It also means that you can seem a lot closer to your friends, neighbors and associates and not be such “a peculiar people”.

The Jews are very distressed about this because they know their calendar is wrong, but they can’t do a damned thing about it because there is no Sanhedrin any more to fix it.


The cultists are knowingly ignorant of this inconvenient truth because it is so inconvenient.

Another problem with the Feasts is when the First Month begins. This is partially because of the Spring Equinox and partly because of Passover. It is also a function of when you calculate the New Moon itself. The problem is that unless you calculate the New Moon to occur when the sun is up and, thus, the moon “rules the day” (in other words, the moon comes up at sunrise or shortly before), when you get to the 14th day of the month, when there is supposed to be a full moon, you are off by a day or two, or maybe three, depending. The Israelites were supposed to have come out of Egypt on a full moon and the Feast of Tabernacles is supposed to occur with the glory of the moon shining in its fullness over Jerusalem.

Of course, if you are in the Southern Hemisphere, keeping the Feasts are problematic, since winter is summer and spring is fall and so forth. Everything is reversed, which suggests that God never intended people to live in the Southern Hemisphere. This would also help the problem of when the Sabbath begins because of the arbitrarily placed International Date Line. Put it at Jerusalem, I say, and let the Arabs keep the Holyday last of everybody on earth. So there.